


The Cheerless Chip Shop

by Alice_Writes_Stuff



Series: Stain'd Girls (Derry Girls AU) [2]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket, All the Wrong Questions - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Chaos, Derry Girls AU, Gen, Multi, Not sure how else to describe it, so much chaos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23237752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alice_Writes_Stuff/pseuds/Alice_Writes_Stuff
Summary: When Prufrock Prep announces a trip to Paris, Violet, Klaus, Duncan, Isadora, Fiona and Carmelita are all keen to go. But when the cost is higher than they'd expected, how far will they go to get the money they need?
Relationships: Beatrice Baudelaire/Bertrand Baudelaire/Lemony Snicket, Duncan Quagmire & Isadora Quagmire, Fiona & Carmelita Spats, Klaus Baudelaire & Violet Baudelaire
Series: Stain'd Girls (Derry Girls AU) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1832224
Comments: 5
Kudos: 10





	The Cheerless Chip Shop

**Author's Note:**

> OC Notes:
> 
> Maya Scieszka: One of the Snow Scouts, Jacquelyn's younger sister. Created by midas-touch-of-angst
> 
> Brandon: The Bearded Man from the Volunteers Fighting Disease, developed by bookish_sister.

“ _I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes!_ ” sang the group of girls on the school stage. “ _Love is all around me, and so the feeling grows!_ ” 

“Make it stop,” muttered Carmelita, while beside her, Violet, Klaus, Isadora and Duncan had similar looks of disgust.

The only one who was somewhat into it was Fiona, who was waving a tiny torch around- presumably not wanting the teachers to see she had her phone with her. Of course, she may have been being ironic, it was hard to tell sometimes.

Finally, the _performance_ was over, and the girls filed off the stage. They were replaced by Vice Principal Nero, whose smile was even more forced than usual. 

“That was very nice, girls,” he said, looking down at the piece of paper in his hand. “Before we dismiss you all for the weekend, there’s a couple of announcements. First, a reminder that your mid-term exams are starting next week. Now, I know that having to sit exams can be a challenging, stressful time of year. So, if anyone is feeling worried, or overwhelmed, or even if they just want to chat, please, please, do not come crying to me.” 

“Always good to know we can rely on you, sir,” Violet muttered. 

“Second, we have the location of the European trip. The destination will be… Paris. Now, if you have any further questions, you can find information outside. Unfortunately, I won’t be coming on this one, as I despise the French.” 

After the assembly, they all filed out into the corridor, eager to check out the stall for the Paris trip. 

“There’s so much I wanna do,” Isadora said. “The Champs-Elysees, the Louvre...”

“The Eiffel Tower, the Arc De Triomphe,” Duncan continued.

“A French guy,” Carmelita concluded, even though Violet was pretty sure that hadn’t been on either Quagmire’s list. They all looked at her. “What? I wanna see if it’s true what people say, about the French being great lovers and all that. And why shouldn’t I? We’re all big girls here.”

“Yeah, but you look like you’re here to represent the Lullaby League. It makes it weird when you start talking about that stuff,” Violet said. 

“Yeah,” Fiona added. “You are baby, Carm, that’s just how it goes.”

“I’m not baby!” Carmelita protested. 

“Anyway,” Klaus cut in. “It’ll give us a good chance to practice for the oral exams.”

“And to see where so many of the great French inventors built their creations,” Violet added.

“I just hope I get to meet Nicole,” Fiona said. Violet sighed. 

“I thought you knew they were just ads, Fiona. They’re just trying to sell you a car, there’s nothing more to it.”

Just then, they noticed one of the students who was signing up, tossing her dark braids over her shoulders as she wrote down her name. 

“Oh, that’s just great,” Violet grumbled. _“Maya Scieszka_ is going. She is so full of herself! _Ooh, I’m so pretty, ooh, I’m so popular, ooh, my big sister’s a duchess!_ I mean, if there was ever a more vain, shallow, genuinely unpleasant-”

“Hey, Violet,” Maya said. 

“Hi! Um, I’m… I’m fine, by the way, couldn’t be better in fact, in case you were about to ask.”

“Right. So, are you gonna sign up for Paris?” she gestured to her group of friends, who were standing near the sign-up table. “It’s just, I can’t get any of them to go, so I’ll need someone to hang out with.” 

“It would be an honour,” Violet said, seriously. Maia nodded, looking a little unsure.

“Okay then. Well, in that case, I’ll see you later, then?” Violet smiled at her.

“You most certainly will!” she replied, but Maya had already walked away. Violet turned to look at her friends. “Did you hear that, guys? _Maya Scieszka_ wants to hang out with me!”

“You know, that’s what I admire about you, Violet,” Isadora said, rolling her eyes. “Your unshakeable principles.”

They made their way over to the information stall, where, unsurprisingly, Esmé had been placed in charge.

“Bonjour, tout-le-monde. Comment allez-vous?” she asked. Violet groaned.

“Give it a rest, Esmé,” Carmelita told her. She looked down at the sign up sheet. “Wait, wait, £200? That’s a bit much, isn’t it?”

“Yeah- are you sure there’s no group discount we could use?” Violet asked. Quickly, she did the maths in her head. There was six of them- that would be £1200 altogether. 

“Oh, don’t worry. You can just dip into your trust fund- I do it all the time, it’s fine!” 

“Our… our trust funds?” Isadora asked.

“Yeah- it’s an account your parents set up, to help pay for things like your first car, college, educational trips…”

“We know what trust funds are,” Klaus told her. 

“I didn’t know we _had_ one, though,” Violet said. “Did you guys know that?” 

“No,” Fiona said. “This is an interesting development...”

* * *

Violet decided to ask her mother about it as soon as she got home. It was a Friday night, which meant, for many of the residents of Stain’d-By-The-Sea, that there was only one option for dinner- Hungry Hix’s chip shop. Violet’s father was busy taking everyone’s orders, while her grandmother Theodora sat and watched the TV. Her baby sister, Sunny, was sitting in her high chair, absent-mindedly chewing on a spoon, and Klaus had a book in front of him- though Violet suspected he wasn’t really paying attention. He was listening to her conversation with their mother.

“You want to dip into your trust funds?” Mum asked. “Yeah, of course, I don’t see why not.” Violet smiled, glancing at her brother, who smiled back. “If you’ll just get the phone, I’ll call the bank right now.” Violet beamed, unable to believe her luck. “The account number is 7654321, and the password is… what was it again? Oh, yeah, _pull the other one!”_

“You… you mean we don’t have trust funds?” Her mother nodded. 

“There you go, you do have a brain in there after all.” 

“Does that include me and Sunny, too?” Klaus asked. Though they didn’t see each other as half siblings, the reality was, Klaus and Sunny had a different biological father than Violet- though both of those fathers lived together, along with the children’s mother and grandmother.

“Of course it does,” their mother said, sighing. “There’s barely any funds to begin with, never mind trust funds!” 

“Alright, then,” Violet’s father said, calling everyone’s attention back to the very important matter of dinner. “That’s one portion of redfish, one portion of whitefish, two bags of chips-”

“No, no, two bags won’t be enough,” Grandma Theodora cut in. Dad sighed.

“Two will be plenty, Mum,” he told her.

“Two will not be enough!” she countered. “Put four down!”

“Why don’t I put down three? We can compromise!”

“I’ll compromise you through that window, son!” 

“What’s going on?” asked Uncle Bertrand, coming into the kitchen. 

“Lemony’s being a complete cheapskate,” Grandma Theodora replied.

“Fine, fine, I’ll put down four bags. Klaus, what do you want?”

“Could I get twelve chicken nuggets and a small hot dog, with plenty of onions, plenty of-” 

“We should really hurry up, Dad- you know what that chippy’s like on a Friday night, it’s every man for himself.”

“I think I’ve got it now, Violet- unless Sunny wants anything?” 

“Fish!” Sunny exclaimed. Uncle Bertrand frowned, peering over Dad’s shoulder at the list.

“D’you think four bags will be enough, Lem?” he asked. Dad looked like he wanted to scrunch up the paper and throw it at something.

“How. Many. Bags. Do. You. Want?”

“Five,” Grandma Theodora replied. “Five should be plenty.”

“Oh my God...” he said, closing his eyes and letting out an exasperated sigh.

“And could I get a plain chicken burger?” Grandma Theodora asked. “No cheese, no lettuce, no tomato, no-”

“Mum, that all goes without saying, when you asked for a plain burger.”

“Be sensible, Lemony!” she exclaimed, which was one of her favourite phrases. “You have to be absolutely clear about these things!”

“I think Hungry will know what you mean by _plain chicken burger_ , Mum.” Just then, the phone rang, and their mother answered it. 

“Yes?” She lowered the headset, frowning at all of them. “It’s _Aunt Polly!_ ” she hissed. Aunt Polly was Grandma Theodora’s sister, and easily one of the most boring people any of them had ever met. “I don’t wanna take this one- I made that mistake once already this week. She must’ve spent a good forty-five minutes going on about her new shoelaces!”

“Still better than the time she phoned me, and went on for an hour about honeydew melons,” Dad countered. “They’re not even that good!”

“I’ll take this one, but I swear, I am not taking the next one. Sunny can take it.”

“Annerchine!” Sunny said, by which she meant, _Why does anyone have to answer it? Why don’t we just leave it?_

For a couple of minutes, none of them spoke, apart from Mum, who didn’t get a chance to say very much in amongst Aunt Polly’s ramblings on the other end of the line.

“Maybe we should try going cordless,” Uncle Bertrand suggested. “You know, Kit and Dewey have already done it, and it’s changed their lives? Cordless phones are gonna be the future, I’m sure of it.”

“Wait, what?” Mum exclaimed, lowering the headset again. “Aunt Polly’s in the police station,” she informed the room. “She had a break-in last night- they tied her to her radiator and stole her car.” She lifted the receiver to her ear again. “You still there, Polly? Right, right, well, you come here as soon as you can, alright?” She put down the receiver. 

“Is she alright?” Dad asked.

“She is absolutely traumatised, Lemony.” She paused. “She’ll have a steak and kidney pie.”

“Wait, do you think five bags will still be enough?” Uncle Bertrand asked.

“Remind me why I decided to move in with you two again,” Dad said, before scribbling down the latest updates to the list and handing it to Violet.

* * *

Fortunately, the chip shop wasn't too full when Violet and Klaus got there. It was Violet’s turn to read the order out to Hungry this week- something neither of them exactly liked to do, since Hungry Hix was kind of terrifying. 

“Could we get seven bags of chips, twelve chicken nuggets, a small hot dog, one plain chicken burger-”

“Just give me that,” Hungry cut her off, grabbing the piece of paper.

“Thank you, Hungry,” Violet replied, retreating away from the counter. At that point, Isadora and Duncan came into the chip shop.

“Hey, Duncan,” Klaus said, adjusting his glasses. Violet smiled- he’d managed to say two words to Duncan outside of school, for him this was progress. Not that she was any less of a disaster when it came to Quigley, but still. 

“Any luck with the trust fund thing?” she asked.

“No,” Isadora replied. “According to our mum, we’re actually kinda poor.”

“Yeah, I think we might be in the same position.”

“What do you two want?” Hungry asked. “Though I could’ve sworn there were three of you?”

“Could we please get two fish suppers and one sausage supper, please, Hungry, thank you?”

“It’ll be ready when it’s ready,” Hungry replied.

“Where is Quigley, by the way?” Violet asked.

“Band rehearsal,” Isadora told her. At that point, Fiona and Carmelita came in. “Any luck?” They both shook their heads.

“I couldn’t get through to my parents, and Brandon’s already doing enough for me, I didn’t wanna ask him to do this too- even if I thought he had enough money to spare,” Carm explained.

“I thought I’d have something, from my parents’ inheritance,” Fiona began. “But apparently they weren’t too well-off to begin with, and most of what they left Fernald has gone towards our house, and what they’ve left me is locked away till I’m eighteen.”

“What do you want?” Hungry called over.

“Don’t rush me, Hungry, I’ll tell you in a second.” 

“Okay, now how are we supposed to get the money for Paris?” asked Carmelita. An excellent question, Violet thought.

“We could sell our organs?” Fiona suggested.

“Yeah, yeah, we could do that,” Isadora said.

“Or we could- and I know this is gonna sound crazy- we could just get jobs,” Duncan added.

“Where are we meant to get jobs in Stain’d-By-The-Sea?” Violet countered. “Everyone’s always saying there aren’t any.”

“Well, what are all those, then?” Duncan asked, gesturing to the pinboard on the wall of the chippy, which was covered with advertisements and posters.

“I never really noticed those before,” Klaus said, going to take a closer look. “I just assumed they were dead cat posters.”

“ _Missing_ cat posters,” countered Isadora.

“Gotta look on the bright side, I suppose,” Carmelita said.

“I don’t know about any of these,” Isadora said. “They all seem a bit practical, and I’m more creative.”

“I don’t think we can afford to be too choosy, Isa,” Duncan pointed out. Just then, someone else came up to the board, gave it a quick look over, and grabbed one of the phone numbers attached to one of the adverts.

“We’ll need to move quickly, guys,” Carm said. “I think other people are catching onto this job thing too.”

“Oi, are you two gonna order or not?” Hungry yelled.

“A large sausage supper,” Fiona told her. “And don’t be too stingy with the salt.”

“What about the redhead?”

“Um, could I just have the same as Fiona?” Hungry nodded.

Later, once Violet and Klaus made it back home, the family gathered around to eat. They were, of course, joined by Aunt Polly, who was explaining in great, often unnecessary detail, exactly what had happened to her.

“So, there’s a knock at the door, at what I believe was half eight, because it was while I was having dinner. And when I opened the door, there they both were, in the flesh. So, the taller one says, not that there was much of a difference, of course, he says, do you know who we are?”

“How is anyone supposed to enjoy their dinner?” Grandma Theodora muttered.

“So I say to him, well, I don’t know. But if you could take the balaclavas off, I might! Then the slightly taller one tells me to step aside, really forceful, too. He says, step aside, we’re armed. And then the slightly smaller guy- although, again, there really wasn’t much in it, maybe an inch at the most.”

“Mum, please make it stop,” Violet whispered. 

“Go put Sunny to bed, Vi,” her mother replied, which she appreciated- taking Sunny up to her room would, if nothing else, give her a break from Aunt Polly’s rambling.

“Come on, Sunny,” she said, gently lifting her sister out of her high chair and carrying her upstairs. 

Sunny fell asleep quickly, which was unfortunate for Violet, because it meant her reprieve was a lot shorter than she would’ve liked it to be. Still, it didn’t stop her from lingering a bit longer, tucking Sunny in, making sure she had her favourite toys in with her, before finally dimming the lights and walking out, closing the door behind her.

Luckily, just as she was coming down the stairs, the doorbell rang. Opening the door, she found Fiona, Carmelita, Duncan and Isadora- and Hungry Hix’s noticeboard.

“You will never _believe_ what Carm’s done!” Isadora exclaimed. 

“Did she steal Hungry’s noticeboard, Isa?”

“Come on- get Klaus, and we can work out our plan!” Carm said, in a voice that didn’t leave a lot of room for argument.

* * *

Klaus was happy to get away from Aunt Polly, though he was less happy when he realised what was actually going on. Still, he followed the group away to the park, so they could _strategize_ \- Carm’s words, not anyone else’s.

“How did you even do it?” he asked.

“It was surprisingly easy, actually. Hungry was out at the back, cashing up. So I snuck in, grabbed it off the wall, and I was away, like a thief in the night!”

“You weren’t _like_ a thief in the night, you actually _were_ a thief in the night!” Isadora all but shrieked. “And you stole from _Hungry Hix_ of all people! I saw her punch a Rottweiler once, Carmelita! She is going to lose her _shit_ when she finds out about this, and _then_ she’s gonna kill you!”

“She’ll kill _us_ \- you’re accessories after the fact now.”

“This is insane,” Violet said. “This is _actually_ insane. I mean, what even possessed you to steal it in the first place?”

“It was so we could get first dibs on the jobs!” she said, like it was obvious.

“Couldn’t you have just taken the notices off? They were only stuck on with blue tack," Klaus pointed out.

“Well, I didn’t think of that, did I, cakesniffer?” She looked down at the board, frowning. “Although, now that I’m thinking about it a bit more, and now we’ve talked it over and I’ve had a chance to sober up a little, I’m a bit less sure about the whole thing.”

“You’ve been _drinking?_ ” This just kept getting better and better, didn’t it?

“Look, Violet, we’re not like Esmé Squalor, okay? Nobody’s just gonna give us stuff. We have to go out and get them! Duncan, Isadora, I know how much you guys wanna see the Arc de… whatever it’s called, and all those other places you mentioned. Klaus, I know how keen you are to practice the shit out of the past participle.” She was moving around the group, pointing to each of them in turn, getting more and more hyped up the further she got through her speech. “Fiona,” she said, dancing over to her, “You really, really love those Renault Clio adverts.” Finally, she turned to Violet. “And Violet, well, you’re just trying to get in with Maya Scieszka.”

“I am not!” Violet protested. “I just… think it might be a good time to move on, friendship-wise.”

“You’re aware you’re saying this to your current friends?” Duncan asked. Before Violet could say anything else, Carmelita climbed up onto the bench, addressing all of them.

“We cannot give up on Paris, guys! If we want this, we have to make it happen!”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this fired up!” Fiona told her.

“I will snog a French guy, Fiona. I will snog a French guy if it’s the last thing I do!”

* * *

They met in Violet’s room the next day, to decide which jobs to take. Violet made a list of all the relevant notices, and read them out to the others. 

“So, first off, we have a couple of tutoring jobs, which I thought that Duncan and Isadora might be best suited to.”

“Because we’re the least mental people in this group?”

“Sure,” Violet agreed. She looked down at her list again. “There’s also some babysitting. The child will be in bed, so I’m sure you can manage that one, Carm.” 

“Thanks, Vi. And I’m sure you can manage this,” she replied, flipping her off.

“Polite as ever, Carm.” Another glance down at the list, just three jobs left. “There’s also some gardening, mowing a lawn, that sort of thing. This one will require some muscle, so I think you should take that one, Fiona.”

“What?” Klaus exclaimed. “No, I should take it. That’s a man’s job, I’m a man.”

“That’s debatable,” Carmelita muttered.

“Well, I’m definitely more of a man that Fiona.”

“I do not accept that!” Fiona protested.

“Come on, Violet!” 

“Fine,” she conceded. “So, that leaves washing a car and walking a dog.” 

“Is the car a Renault Clio?” asked Fiona. Violet shook her head. “In that case, I’ll take the dog.”

“Alright then,” Violet said, snapping her notebook shut. “Let’s go to work.”

It was going quite well at first. They all walked out of the Baudelaire house full of confidence and energy, ready to go for their jobs and start getting to work. Unfortunately, they didn’t get that far, because Hungry caught up to them. She pulled up to them in her van, cutting into their moment by calling out to them.

“You thieving little shits!”

* * *

This was not looking good. Hungry came back to their house so she could get the noticeboard back, and of course she'd told Dad and Uncle Bertrand what had happened. Needless to say, they were not looking happy. Luckily, Mum was out at the shops, so they were spared her wrath, but it was only a small mercy.

“How did you even find out?” Violet asked Hungry.

“I don’t think that really matters, Violet,” Isadora said.

“Yeah, I think we have bigger problems,” Duncan added. “Like the fact that we are all deeply, deeply-”

“Their mum phoned me,” Hungry informed them. Violet, Klaus, Fiona and Carmelita turned to look at the two triplets, who were looking at anything but the four of them. 

“You _told your mother?_ ” Violet asked, staring at her friends. 

“Yeah,” Duncan admitted. “I cracked, okay? I couldn’t handle the pressure, and I cracked!”

“Oh my God,” Violet muttered.

“So what does this mean?” Dad asked. “Where do we go from here?” Hungry was quiet for a second, considering.

“I don’t know. See, you're family. Well, you’re good people,” she amended. “Well, you’re decent people. But I have to set an example.”

“You… you’re not suggesting a ban, are you?” Uncle Bertrand asked.

“Well, maybe not a _ban,_ let’s just call it a suspension. I’m sorry, Bertrand, I have to set an example.”

“What if I told you I was gonna be going on TV later today with our Polly? We’re doing an interview right now. Remember when the Bellerophon brothers were on the TV last month, and they got free chips?”

“Give it a rest, Bert- we’re not getting any chips at all, never mind free ones.” Dad turned to Hungry. “Come on, Hungry, there has to be something we can do. I mean, what do you expect us to do on a Friday? Do you expect us to cook?”

“You could order a pizza,” she suggested.

“Pizza’s not as nice!” Klaus pointed out.

“No, you’re right, pizza’s not as nice. Maybe you should’ve thought of that before all this.”

“Are you sure there’s nothing we can do?” Dad asked again.

* * *

Fortunately, there was something they could do. Unfortunately, it turned out that _something_ was cleaning Hungry’s chip shop while she went to her Sunday morning yoga class, for free. 

“So,” Fiona said, looking around the shop. “Not only are we not going to Paris, we’re having to spend our Sunday cleaning this place up, and we’re not even getting paid to do it.”

“Look, Dad had to cut some kind of deal so we wouldn’t have gotten banned.”

“I don’t think she wouldn’t have actually banned us, Violet, I’m sure she was just bluffing,” 

“Carm, Hungry doesn’t bluff. She absolutely would’ve banned us.”

“Right then,” Carmelita said, in the same commanding tone she’d used the other night. “In that case, we can’t muck about- we need to leave this place totally spotless!” 

For the next half hour or so, they got to work. Klaus cleaned the windows, Duncan and Isadora took out the rubbish bags, Violet scrubbed the floor, Carmelita cleaned up the hob, and Fiona sprayed air freshener around. 

The problem was, of course, that none of them had ever had to clean up a chip shop before, and they didn’t really know what they were doing. Klaus, for instance, had simply grabbed the nearest bottle and started using its contents to clean the window, assuming that it contained the window cleaner. The Quagmires had grabbed the rubbish bags and hauled them out, not noticing the holes in each bag, which allowed rubbish to spill all over the place. Carm got bored after a while and wandered off, and Violet found that her own efforts weren’t achieving anything.

“It’s… it’s still sticky! How is it still sticky?” She looked around the room, at the rubbish strewn across the floor, at the window that was nowhere near clean, at the abandoned hob. “Is… is this worse than it was when we started?”

“Yeah, I think it might be,” Isadora admitted. Violet nearly tore her ribbon out of her hair.

“You know, I don’t think this is window cleaner,” Klaus said, examining the bottle he was holding a little closer. “I… I think it’s mayonnaise.” 

“For fuck’s sake!” Violet snapped. “You know what? This is great work, folks! Absolutely brilliant! Well done, everyone! It's been a productive morning!” She kicked some of the rubbish, for emphasis. “Hungry will be absolutely thrilled!” Her tirade was cut off by loud music blaring from upstairs. “Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me!” She glared up at the ceiling.

They went upstairs and into Hungry’s living room, where they found Carmelita, who was not only responsible for the blaring music, but also presumably for the bottles of alcohol on the table.

“And where did all this come from?” Violet asked. Carm shrugged.

“I got it out of Hungry’s cupboard. I mean, I don’t wanna speculate, but I think she has a bit of a problem!”

“ _You’re_ going to have a bit of a problem if she catches you messing with her drinks!”

“Look, why don’t we all calm down, have a seat and have a drink?” she suggested, placing six shot glasses on a tray, filling them up and then lighting them on fire.

“Carm, what the Hell are you doing?!” Violet asked.

“It’s fine!” she said, picking up the tray. “What’s the worst that can happen?” Then, before any of them could talk her out of it, she started to do a little tap dance routine on the carpet. _Started_ being the operative part, since about ten seconds in, she dropped the tray, sending it- and its flaming contents- to the floor. The flames snaked across the carpet and up the curtains.

“Shit, shit, shit!” Carm exclaimed. “What do we do?” She grabbed one of the bottles off the table, and started throwing its contents at the flames.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Violet screamed. “Are you seriously throwing _alcohol_ at it?!” To make matters worse, Isadora started sprinkling salt in the direction of the fire. “And what are you doing, seasoning it?” 

Finally, Klaus came in with the fire extinguisher, and put the fire out. Unfortunately, though, it was too late to save the curtains. 

“Okay,” Carmelita said. “On a scale of one to ten, how dead do you think we are?”

* * *

Once again, it was not looking good. Reluctantly, Violet called her father and Uncle Bertrand over, so they could see the damage and help them assess the situation.

“Look, we’re telling the truth, Dad,” she said.

“Violet, if you expect me to believe that Carmelita tripped while holding a scented candle, you must think I was born yesterday.” He turned to Uncle Bertrand, who’d turned on the TV, just as the report about Aunt Polly’s break-in was coming on. “Bert, will you back me up?”

“Can’t we stop for a moment and watch this? It’s my big moment!” They could all hear him on the TV, explaining the attack. 

“ _They tied her to the radiator with her own shoelaces- she’d barely had those shoelaces a week!_ ” At that, Uncle Bertrand locked eyes with Dad, like they’d both had the same idea at once- which was how the six teens ended up tied to Hungry Hix’s radiator.

“This is never gonna work- why would two gunmen break into a chip shop?” Fiona pointed out.

“Maybe they wanted to steal the chips?” Klaus suggested.

“Of course not, Klaus- they were looking for keys to the van, try to keep up.”

“D’you think it would help if we knocked them about a bit?” Uncle Bertrand asked. “Nothing drastic, just a few slaps?”

“Absolutely not!” Dad replied. 

“You know, I really hate to be a stickler for health and safety, but you’re not actually gonna leave us here, are you?” Isadora asked.

Before either of them could answer her, though, they heard the door to the flat open. 

“Back door, quickly!” Dad told Uncle Bertrand, and they bolted out of the room. 

A minute later, Hungry came in. She was silent for a long time, looking around the room, at the six teens who had been tied to her radiator. 

“She’s locked the door!” came Dad’s voice from the floor below. It took another minute before he and Uncle Bertrand came back into the room- and then Hungry exploded.

“What the fuck is going on in here, exactly?” she screamed.

“Well,” Dad began. “What happened was… Carmelita was carrying a scented candle.” 

And that was how they all managed to get banned from the chippy.


End file.
